Will my ex be notified if I download our texts?

Every time someone asks this question, my heart crumples up a little bit.

Because I know exactly why they're asking it. They've been trained to feel frightened and fearful all the time.

Coercion and control do really weird things to your brain. You completely second-guess everything that you do.

So when it comes to doing something completely normal and that you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to do, like download your texts, your brain feels guilty for downloading your texts because you feel like you're doing something wrong.

And that you're going to get found out. And then you'll get punished for it.

‍

If you’ve been controlled by someone else, this makes complete sense

When you’ve been a victim of coercion and control for a long time, it changes how safe the world feels.

You can know something rationally - you can even say to yourself, “There's no way they'll know I've exported these texts” - or "This is my phone. I can export whatever texts I want" but you still feel like they’ll know. Like they’re somehow still in control.

Because you've been told "I'll know if you cross me" so many times, your brain is frightened.

That’s what coercion and control does. It trains your nervous system to stay on high alert. And it can take time to unwind that, even after you’ve left.

The good news is that you absolutely can unwind it.

Our lovely brains are these big balls of elastic grey squidgy stuff.

Every time you think a new thought or do a new thing, it changes the plasticity and the shape of your brain.

In fact, by the time that you've finished reading this article, your brain will be a different shape to how it was when it started.

That is wild, to me!!!!!!

‍

We built Dispute Buddy through that lens

That’s exactly why we built Dispute Buddy the way we did.

I built it through the lens of what it feels like to come out of the kind of relationship where you're told everything is your fault.

I had to go through the family court process to make my children safe. And I still remember how terrifying it was downloading my own texts and messages. Even though they were mine. Even though I had every right to do it. I still felt worried like at some point my ex, or someone else, would see what I was doing. And that what I was doing was somehow wrong.

Which it so clearly wasn't!

So we built this to help people feel safe while they’re doing something that can feel really big and really exposing.
‍

The goal is to take you from scared to in control

It honestly makes me feel so glad that we’ve built Dispute Buddy in a way that helps people feel safe, seen, and secure - and helps them move from feeling scared to feeling completely in control.

Because that’s what you deserve.
‍

How it works

All you have to do is follow the steps.

Download the app from disputebuddy.co

Connect your iPhone.

Follow the instructions.

And at the end, you’ll have your message history of your texts and WhatsApps, time-stamped and in chronological order, plus a behaviour analysis report which highlights patterns of behavior your lawyer needs to see.

You can give that to your lawyer, your mediator, the police, or an inspector - whoever needs to see it.

Because you deserve to move on with your life and have this behind you.

And you will.

I believe in you, and I'm cheering you on!

Jenny